JUST THE BEST MARY SUE, EVER!
by Bamfwriter
Summary: The Mary Sue Litmus Test taken to the extreme. F words. Mild slash.
1. Default Chapter

REAL DISCLAIMER: I studied the Mary Sue Litmus Test () and just for a laugh, decided to see just how high a score I could get. I don't own anyone except Fellauroralisterinavetta Aanjulle O'Bamfwryter. Read at your own risk. Mild slash. Naughty words. (F-word) General insanity.  
  
I'd be honored if someone would actually grade me on this. :-)  
  
FAKE DISCLAIMER: OMG, I loooove Skinner soo much he is totally mine! Aheheh. But I don't own him. Waaa!  
  
****** CHAPTER ONE THE NEW MEMBER  
  
"Hello, my name is Fellauroralisterinavetta Aanjulle O'Bamfwryter. But you can call me Rahd'ni."  
  
The League eagerly stood before their new member. Nobody knew why they had a new member, and a 17-year old girl besides. But nobody seemed to question it too much. After all, she was extraordinarily beautiful, almost too beautiful for a mere mortal man to approach. And yet, beneath the radiance there was a sweetness... a charm... like a pretty little farm girl. And not one from one of those gross redneck incest families either, I mean a REAL cute farm girl, with all her teeth, and uncrossed eyes, you know. She was tall and slender, graceful, like a willow tree. And like the tree, she swayed and bowed in a most elegant fashion. But without the caterpillars.  
  
Her skin... sigh... like the purest Devonshire cream. Like a fresh hen's egg. Whiter than the whitest... white thing. So white she looked like a kabuki dancer. Whiter than Larry Bird. But yet so incredibly beautiful.  
  
Her voice was so soft and lovely, like the fairest fragrant springtime breeze tickling through the blossoms of a cherry tree. Yet as she sighed sadly over her fate, sitting in her cabin, Jakyll, on the bridge, heard her distress and came running. The sound of her voice drew him to her like a paper clip to a fridge magnet. It was like a pan flute symphony by Zamfir. Only without the lame-ass showtunes.  
  
Her eyes... oh, her eyes were unlike any eyes he had ever seen. Enormous, and framed by long, luxuriant black lashes so long they made a breeze when she fluttered them. The left eye was bright green, but if you gazed into it, you would see this green traced through by a blossom of red that pulsed and fluttered like a... like a red pulsating fluttery butterfly trapped forever in a sea of antifreeze.  
  
Her other eye was a deep violet blue, like the finest triple A-grade, round- cut, natural lab mined tanzanite with no inclusions and a clarity rating of VS. Only softer and squishier. It was this eye that allowed her to read the minds of others, as she was telekinetic. The green one was mainly used to freak out the enemy long enough for her to be rescued by whatever male member of the League she fancied au moment. Both eyes had a tendency to flash an angry fluorescent chartreuse and magenta plaid when her spectacularly glossy and flaxen hair didn't turn out right in the morning.  
  
Mina was wearing a dress. Skinner was wearing a coat. Jekyll was wearing a suit. Sawyer was wearing a shirt and pants. Nemo was wearing an Indian garb and a tuba... turbo... turbine... turpentine... wrappy hat-thing on his head. Dorian was wearing nothing, not even skin, because he was dead. Quatermain was wearing dirt and he was dead because he's old and not cute and we don't want him in the story.  
  
Rahd'ni was wearing a silk petticoat of cream lace. Nobody could see it, but she was wearing it. And of course she wore a corset to make her already-perfect figure even perfecter. Under that she had on bloomers with lace around the legs, and dark violet stockings. Her garters were black lace with little violet gemstones that would have perfectly complimented her right eye if anyone could see the garter.  
  
Her tiny feet were laced into high-heeled black boots that came up to her chest. Her dress was pure silk, the color of a bad bruise. It hugged her figure like a guy hugging a girl really hard. Every pleat was just in the right place, and the gown was accented by black lace at the hemline, neckline and cuffs. Tiny glittering stones were sown into the purple fabric here and there, making her sparkle with every step, like a Sigfreid and Roy fashion show. And her bustier was black Spandex.  
  
A tiny hat was perched atop her mountain of beautiful locks, clinging to her head as if out of love. And Henry couldn't help but think what a lucky hat it was.  
  
Her hair was like a new penny. A really new penny, not a nasty brown one like you find inside the couch. Her hair glowed like fine copper wires, curling and weaving around her face like a halo of copper-colored worms. She tucked a curl under her hat. Then she brushed a russet lock behind her ear. She sighed a musical sigh and fished a few strands out of mouth, patting it delicately back into place.  
  
She was so poor, and had not bathed in several weeks, yet her scent was like wild honeysuckle. Her breath was a sweet as sugar, even though she had never cleaned her teeth. And her teeth were as straight and pearly and white as white pearls standing in a straight row. Her manners were perfect, she was demure and refined, even though she had come from such a horridly impoverished lot.  
  
She smiled demurely at Tom, and his eyes filled up at the sight of those perfect pearls. They were just like the pearls he and Huck had worn back home when they did their drag show.  
  
****** End chappie 1! Read and review please! 


	2. CHAPTER TWO: SECRETS

CHAPPIE TWO SECRETS ****** Nemo stared at her. "Fellauroralisterinavetta?" he gasped, "My God, is that really you? My dear niece, we thought you had perished in the fire during the flood in the middle of the bombing in the earthquake of 1890!"  
  
/Niece?/ Hyde muttered. /Why doesn't she look the least bit Indian?/  
  
*Do be quiet, Edward,* Fellauroralisterinavetta mentally whispered breathily.  
  
Hyde gasped. /You can hear me?/  
  
*Yes. Now please don't speak anymore, because you are far too ugly to be in my story, and besides Jekkie and I have a love scene coming up.*  
  
/You don't even know him. And he's old enough to be your father. And women are property and not as good as men./  
  
*Do you intend to tell me what I can and cannot do, my dear Edward?* She turned to him and allowed her eyes to flash chartreuse and magenta for just a moment.  
  
/God I want her..../  
  
She lowered her face, and tears brimmed over her perfect lower lashes, spilling over her porcelain cheeks to run like tiny rivers down her neck. "I loved Dorian. But he abandoned me for another."  
  
Cut to scene of Dorian and Jack Sparrow on the beach drinking rum together. Dorian looks sadly at his hand of cards, and at the large pile of gray clothing in front of Jack, who is fully clothed. Then he looks down at his last remaining garment, his underwear.  
  
"C'mon mate, lose 'em," Jack said, holding out his grasping fingers and showing off a royal straight flush with his other hand.  
  
With a sigh, Dorian stood, stripped off his drawers and chucked them at Sparrow.  
  
Jack laughed, swinging the underwear over his head, and as he did, Dorian saw an ace slide out of the pirate's sleeve. He stared.  
  
"You cheated!" he sputtered, holding his hands over his crotch.  
  
"Pirate," Jack muttered, smiling. Taking another drink of rum, he gave Dorian a slow once-over. Then he stood, and slowly moved toward the nude, gorgeous Immortal. They reached for each other and...  
  
(AHEM! Oh right right. Mary Sue. Not slash. Mary Sue. Bamfwriter looks longingly at naked Dorian and horny Sparrow. I'll be back later, boys. )  
  
Fellauroralisterinavetta's gaze was far away. How could Dorian have rejected her? She was perfect. Her lovely eyes looked toward the heavens, and she raised a fist, crying out in a breathy whisper, "Damn you Oscar Wilde! Damn you and your bisexuality!"  
  
"Don't ah I know you, Miss?" Tom asked shyly, brushing the tears from his eyes. "Dint you used ta be in th' secret service? Even though ah don't thank hahly o' women?"  
  
Her eyes darted briefly toward him like frightened little freaky-colored ladybugs. "Yes," she said, bewildered by the thickness of his Southern accent, since he didn't have one in the movie.  
  
"But...," Tom's brow furrowed, "But then... when did you meet with Dorian? Ah mean, the timeline is a little...."  
  
Her eyes flashed puce and citron, "Are you calling into question my honesty, Tom? Continue to attack me thusly and I won't give you a blow... and I won't give you the time of day!" She turned her back haughtily, and gave a ladylike little huff, reaching up to pat her lovely red hair into place.  
  
Jekall stared at her. That temper! That heaving bosom! "Mother?" he breathed.  
  
Everyone in the room stopped and stared at Jekill.  
  
Jekul blinked. "I mean.... Rahd'ni? Is it you? My nurse from years ago, when I first starting my practice."  
  
She knew Mina was a vampire; the moment they had met, her telekinesis had showed her Mina's past. Likewise Sawyer, Jeckyl, Skinner, and Nemo.  
  
"I've never told anyone this," Mina murmured, "But you are so damn gorgeous and lovable that I know you will understand." She paused.  
  
"I really can't stand blood," Mina confessed, "I'm a vegetarian." She opened her leather trench coat to reveal a PETA t-shirt.  
  
"I feel like I can confide in you, my dear," said Nemo in a gravelly voice. "I do not worship Kali... I am a Jehova's Witness." He reached into his shirt and pulled out a small leaflet, "And for just five dollars you can read this pamphlet, and....,"  
  
Jekyyl came timidly forward, so awed by her beauty that he felt unworthy. "I... I... I don't know how to tell you this... but... but Hyde isn't the only alter-ego that I have." With that, he raised a vial of blue liquid to his lips, and as Rahd'ni watched, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear, he swallowed it.  
  
A moment later he gagged and spit the empty vial up. As they watched, his body began to change, grow smaller, rounder, fuller. Short red hair grew out to long blonde locks. His shirt ripped in two, revealing a bare tummy. The transformed Jekkyll began to sing,  
  
"I think I did it again... I made you believe... we were more than just friends...."  
  
The entire League screamed in terror and began throwing things at the hideous Britney-Beast. Until with a great puff of pink fur, she transformed back in Jekyll. He smiled sheepishly at his friends.  
  
"Oops, I did it again."  
  
/What.... The.... Fuck..../  
  
"My thoughts exactly, Mr. Hyde," Fellauroralisterinavetta replied demurely and telekinetically, brushing a wisp of red loveliness behind her ear.  
  
******** End chappie 2! Read and review! 


	3. CHAPTER THREE: WHAT IS HER GIFT?

CHAPTER THREE WHAT IS HER GIFT?  
  
Sawyer was still reeling from the Britney-Beast. But he came toward Rahd'ni, and said softly, "Ah wish ah could say that ah love you, mah darling... but ah'm gay."  
  
/Oh, newsflash.../  
  
Fellauroralisterinavetta brushed her hair out her eyes, and turned to the floating coat that indicated Skinner. "Do you have something to tell me, Rodney?" she purred softly.  
  
"Umm." The thief stammered, shifting 'is weight, looking uncertainly at the others. She already knew 'is past. Why did 'e feel the need to tell 'er 'is deepest, darkest, ugliest secret? Why did she pull on 'is 'eart so? Why did 'e love 'er at first sight?  
  
"Because I'm a babe, silly," Fellauroralisterinavetta sighed inside Skinner's head, "Oh, and I can see you, by the way. My telekinesis."  
  
He jumped a little. "Coh, blimey, luv, Oi dunno whoi Oi wanna tell you thees." He paused, taking a deep breath and running a hand over his invisible head. Fellauroralisterinavetta mirrored him, brushing a hand over her flaxen coppery hair.  
  
"It's loike thees luv," he took a deep breath, preparing himself.  
  
"Oi... Oi really loiked 'Gigli'," he finally muttered, then sank to his knees, holding himself in misery.  
  
The League gasped and drew away in horror. All but Fellauroralisterinavetta. She moved to gracefully kneel beside the sweet thief, took him in her arms, and held him as he cried.  
  
"Turkey toime... gobble gobble... it wuz poetry, luv!" Rodney sobbed, clinging to Fellauroralisterinavetta like she was a girl he wanted to cling to.  
  
She stood and smiled gently at her friends. "My dear friends," she breathed wistfully, "There is nothing you can tell me that will shock me." She moved to stand before them. "I have been around a long time. And my past is even darker than yours."  
  
Nemo stepped forward. "Please tell us everything about your past, no matter how difficult or improper it is for you, in this era, to be so personal with people, especially men, that you barely know."  
  
The rest nodded, maintaining a silence partly out of respect and partly out of shock at her beauty. Fellauroralisterinavetta ran delicate gloved fingers through her glossy curls, took a deep breath, and began.  
  
"It wasn't easy growing up as a red-headed Polynesian girl," she breathed. "When I was a child, I was shunned and hated for my abilities," she said, her eyes brimming with tears. She used her mind to lift a small statue of Khali off a pedestal in the corner, moved it across the room, but then the pain hit, and her beautiful face got all scrunchy, and the statue flew across the room and smashed against the wall.  
  
"Oh!" She gasped, wavering. Every man in the room ran forward to offering her an arm as she held a hand to her brow. "Nemo, I'm sorry."  
  
"No prob. Jehova's Witness, remember?"  
  
She smiled prettily, and all the men felt their hearts flutter. She regained her prim and proper composure and continued her tale.  
  
"My quiet submissive Japanese mother tragically fell to her death from a mountaintop while we were watching the aurora borealis, and my vodka drinking communist Russian father choked to death on Listerine, and my dear snobby hairy French sister was brutally murdered by a psychotic veterinarian." She broke off, holding one tiny, gloved hand to her beautiful red lips, then tucking a lock of hair behind her ear.  
  
"From that day forward, I knew my name had to be Fellauroralisterinavetta Aanjulle O'Bamfwryter."  
  
"Aanjulle?" Tom repeated questioningly.  
  
"Oh, and my dear hot-tempered Irish grandmother was horrifically impaled through the skull by the gold angel falling off the top of our Christmas tree. I was only a child at the time. I expect I shall never fully recover." She brushed a crystal tear from her ivory cheek, and gave a fluttery, bosom shuddering sigh that gave every man in the room a partial stiffie. She reached up and wound a loose curl under her hat.  
  
"But, one must always put their past behind them and move on. It's the only way to heal. First you must face the pain, then conquer it. Carpe Diem, Cave Canem, E Pluribus Unum you know. Life sucks, and then you die." She sighed again, and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.  
  
Skinner eyed her. "Luv, ow come you know so much? Oi though you grew up on a farm?"  
  
She smiled at him. "I just know things."  
  
"Oh roight, of caws, luv," he replied, wondering why he had questioned her. "Aheheh."  
  
The others were just in awe of her intelligence, charm and beauty.  
  
Suddenly she gasped, hands flying to her temples. "Someone is coming!" she cried wispily, "I just... know it!"  
  
********* End chappie 3! Read and review! 


	4. CHAPTER FOUR: BACK FROM THE DEAD

CHAPTER FOUR BACK FROM THE DEAD  
  
There was sound of heavy steps in the hall, and they all turned in wonder as Alan Quatermain entered the room.  
  
"Well well," he said in his gravelly brogue. "They shaid Africa would never allow me to die."  
  
"But you're not IN Africa now," the League replied in unison.  
  
Quartermaine froze. "Oh shit. Thatsh right." And with that he fell down dead.  
  
Fellauroralisterinavetta went into a fit of angst and wailing. "I should have known he was going to die! I should have KNOOOOOOWNNNNN!!!!!"  
  
The League stood around Quatermain grave... again. With a sweet sigh, Fellauroralisterinavetta moved forward, lifted a red violin to her chin and began to play a soft tune. She sang along, and the League was entranced by the angelic beauty of her voice.  
  
Later she needed consoling. Jekyll came to her quarters later that evening, shy and sweet and offering his care. She fell willingly into his arms and he held her. They fell down upon the magnificent king-sized bed and began to make mad passionate love, neither of them the least bit grossed out that he was old enough to be her father.  
  
The door opened, and Dorian walked in. He eyed the goings-on lasciviously, then shed his clothes and joined the fray.  
  
"I though you were dead?" Jekylll muttered in awe.  
  
"Yeah I get that a lot."  
  
The three of them got into it pretty good, with Hyde grumbling all the time inside Henry's and Fellauroralisterinavetta's heads, begging Henry to drink the potion pleeeeease just one more time. Then suddenly there was knock at the door. They all paused and looked up.  
  
Tom stood in the doorway, mouth agape. "Um... hi, ah was... um... ah wanted to see if... driveway."  
  
"That wasn't even a sentence!" Dorian sneered.  
  
Tom looked at him oddly. "Ah thought you were dead...."  
  
"Gangway, Sawyer!" Skinner's naked, invisible form pushed past the hesitant Yankee, crossed the room and threw itself onto the bed. "Whoohoo! Aheheh!"  
  
With a shrug, Tom quickly shed his clothes and his inhibitions and scampered to join them.  
  
The next morning all five of them sat sated and smug at breakfast, smoking cigarettes and giving cheeky little 'I-know-where-YOU-were-last-night' glances at each other.  
  
Fellauroralisterinavetta leaned over and gave Skinner a long snog. "You were great last night, tiger."  
  
"Growwwl," replied Skinner.  
  
"Hey that's my line," Dorian muttered jealously. He smiled as Fellauroralisterinavetta came over and gave him a nice long kiss, too.  
  
They began to enjoy breakfast. Jekyll passed the pepper to Fellauroralisterinavetta, and she tucked her hair behind her ear and she daintily sprinkled some on her eggs. Suddenly, she began to sniffle.  
  
"Oh dear!" she said, "I'm going to... ah... ah... ACHOO!"  
  
As she sneezed, a change came over her. Her face contorted in pain! She held her head and screamed! Her body began to shrink! Her legs and arms became short and stubby! And then, as the League watched in horror, the lovely Fellauroralisterinavetta turned from a stunningly beautiful and charming young woman into a hideous, savage, blood thirsty...  
  
"Wiener-dog?" Tom said bewilderedly. "Ah had group sex with a changeling wiener-dog?"  
  
"Wow," Jekyll breathed, suddenly feeling a rush of attraction at the sight of the skinny little waving tail. Who would have thought that a wiener-dog would be one of his kinks?  
  
The wiener-dog gave a breath sigh, and then began to change back! Her little body grew larger! Her legs and arms grew out and became human again! She finished the transformation with a scream of anguish, and collapsed into Henry's waiting arms.  
  
"I've got you, my darling," the once-nervous but now manly-man Jekall reassured.  
  
/Henry and Fellauroralisterinavetta sitting in a tree.../  
  
"Shut up Hyde! You'll never be able to bully me again! I won't give in to you, Vader!" With that, Henry turned and carried his unconscious love to her bedroom.  
  
/Who the fuck is Vader?/  
  
****** End chappie 4! 


	5. CHAPTER FIVE: GOODBYE, MY SWEET

CHAPTER FIVE GOODBYE MY SWEET  
  
Mina and Nemo entered the dining room, giving sneaky little glances at one another. They sat down, lit up cigarettes, and both looked at Dorian. He grinned lasciviously.  
  
"Guess who got lucky with the new little lady last night?" he said.  
  
"I thought you were dead," Mina said.  
  
"I thought you were gay," Nemo said at the same time. Mina looked at him. "Dead," he corrected.  
  
Later, Fellauroralisterinavetta lay recovering in her bed. Jekill had left to prepare a tonic for her, and now Tom was at her bedside. He reached down and stroked her beautiful red hair.  
  
"What are you smiling at?" Fellauroralisterinavetta whispered daintily.  
  
"You," Tom said. "Ah feel a sense of kinship with you, for some reason."  
  
"Ditto," came the sweet breathy reply. "After all, we're both so young and beautiful."  
  
"Dayum straight," Tom replied with a grin.  
  
"We rock."  
  
"We kick ass."  
  
"Go us."  
  
"Bossa nova."  
  
"?"  
  
Just then the door burst open. Dorian stood there, gasping, staring at Fellauroralisterinavetta. He glanced at Tom. "Can we have a minute?" he asked.  
  
Tom shrugged. "Sure." He moved to leave, squeezing past Dorian. When he was gone, the Immortal entered the room and closed the door.  
  
"Fellauroralisterinavetta," he began. Then stopped, though for a moment, and moved to her bedside. He dropped to one knee, then realized he couldn't see here from the floor, stood up, and sat beside her on the bed.  
  
"Fellauroralisterinavetta," he said again, "my dear, you have shown me the error of my ways. I will never do bad things again. I will not kill. I will not lie or cheat or steal. I will recycle. I will not cheat on my taxes. As God as my witness, I WILL NOT RE-ELECT BUSH!"  
  
There was great applause and cheering. Dorian and Fellauroralisterinavetta looked around, puzzled, wondering where it was coming from. Then it died off, they both shrugged and looked into each other's eyes.  
  
"What was I saying?" Dorian asked.  
  
"You were telling me how pretty my hair is."  
  
"Ah yes! It's beautiful! Let's make some kids!" With that, he climbed into bed with her and turned out the light.  
  
"What's going on in here!" Mina's voice cut through the darkness and the light came back on. "Dorian!" the child needs her rest! Out! Out!"  
  
Dorian sulked on his way out the door. "Boy, you're unusually bitchy tonight, Mina. I don't find you at all attractive anymore."  
  
She slammed the door on his backside, then turned to her patient. "You need to shut up and get some rest and stop being such a little hobag." With that, she turned on her hell and left in a huff.  
  
Fellauroralisterinavetta rolled onto her side, held her pillow, and sobbed. Mina was such a bitch.  
  
The door opened, and Gekyll entered. He saw his love crying and rushed to comfort her. "What's wrong, my darling?"  
  
"Mina's a meanie."  
  
He sighed, and wrapped his arms around Fellauroralisterinavetta. "There there, I know exactly what you're going through."  
  
"You do?" she asked hopefully, batting her eyes.  
  
Jekall paused, blinking in the breeze caused by her luxuriant lashes. "Well no, but I really want to have sex with you again."  
  
"Whoohoo!" Skinner said from where he was watching, invisible, in the corner.  
  
"Skinner shut up!" Fellauroralisterinavetta and Jekyil roared in unison.  
  
Later they were up on deck. Everyone was enjoying the sun. Tom was shooting at targets. But just then a whale breached and bumped the sub. Skinner fell overboard. "Oh 'eck!" he cried "Oim skinny dipping!"  
  
Without a second through, Fellauroralisterinavetta ran to the rail and used her telekinesis to pull him up out of the water and back on the deck.  
  
"Thanks luv," he said "Oi tawt dat wuz the end o' me!" He groveled at her feet. "Oim your slave for loife!"  
  
"Great," she said wispily. "Meet me in my cabin in two hours for some sweet anachronistic Victorian lovin'."  
  
"'ot damn!"  
  
But the sweet reunion would never occur, because just then, a young boy in a red robe, round glasses, with a scar on his forehead rode overhead on a broom, chasing the red target that Sawyer had just launched into the air.  
  
Harry Potter dove eagerly after the target, mistaking it for the quaffle, and flew right into the line of fire of Tom's rifle.  
  
Fellauroralisterinavetta leapt into the air. She had to save the boy! The gun went off.  
  
BANG  
  
She fell to the deck, blood pouring from her chest. The League flew to her side, gathering around her. Jekyll, Dorian, Tom and Skinner all fought for the right to hold her in their arms as she died.  
  
Nemo was sobbing.  
  
The end.  
  
WAAAAA! It's over! Read and review pls!  
  
SERIOUS MODE: WHEW! That was fun. Weird, but fun. Again, please check out the Mary Sue Litmus test () (add two "w" to the url) and let me know how I did! Flames welcome, it is a Mary Sue, after all. :-D 


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